Once upon a time my days were as dark as my nights. Poor choices had led me to a place filled with guilt, anger, bitterness and resentment. A lot of resentment. Though the choices were mine alone I felt that I had been led to them by the one person in my life who was suppose to be there for me. My safety net, my friend, my trusted husband. I felt betrayed and was angry at myself for ultimately causing my own black hole. I should have done things very differently. Years of pain pills hid the pain and stopped new pain from coming in. But it also destroyed the dream I had of the perfect family, the perfect career, the perfect marriage. I know none of these are ever perfect but I wanted to be as close as I could get. It’s been a few years since I fell into the pit. I fell hard too. My ass landing solidly and hard right at the bottom. My marriage and family are still intact. A career may never happen now and things are far from perfect. The biggest detriment I face is my damned memory. It brings things to mind that I really would rather forget, or at least stay put somewhere in the recesses of my brain.

I wrote this one night after laying in bed for an hour with my eyes squeezed closed trying to shut out the memories that kept creeping their way in. That’s exactly what they do too. Creep along the edges until you let down your guard and then they slip right in.

   Agony of Memory

I Stray back to reality
With thoughts drifting
along a moment,
Breaking into my
tempered peace
Of mind
Where guilt and shame
had fought
Their way past
admonishing eyes
And cries of anger.
Now no longer
buried under a
fabricated smile,
The degradation
seeps from within
and replaces the
momentary solace
Of abstraction
With the agony
Of memory.

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