Sometimes when I’m lying here in the dark, it hits me. Smacks me right upside my head and it doesn’t matter how tightly I squeeze my eyes closed, I see it all anyway. Every chance I didn’t take, every failed try, all the bad choices I made and the heart wrenching consequences they caused. Yes. Goddamn it.I muddied the once crystal waters of my youth by giving in to every temptation that humbled itself before me. It’s a shame wisdom comes with age and experience. I could have used it to my advantage had I had it before I agreed to take a hit of whatever it was he so eloquently offered me. But that is another dark hole I don’t want to climb back into. I open my eyes. Maybe staring at the blackness before me will inspire an awakening. Maybe I can pretend the streetlight glimmering through the slat of the blinds is the white light of redemption. Maybe I should just say fuck it and go to sleep.  “What’s your problem?”  whispers a voice next to me. Startled I turn towards this man in my bed and shrug my shoulders. I realize he can’t see my indifference so I whisper,  “nothing. Just… Nothing”.  I wait until he has fallen asleep again and slip out of bed.
      Shadows follow me through the hall as I walk toward the front porch. I grab a bottle of Jack as I pass by the bar. I can hear my bare feet clap against the tile floor and as I reach for the door I see movement out of the corner of my eye. It’s the kind of movement that tricks the brain and makes me wonder if I’m hallucinating. Maybe it was the wind blowing the curtains. I wait and listen. I hear nothing. I see nothing. I unlock the front door wondering if that is wise as I do it. I want to sit on the porch and drink so I tell that persistent voice in my head to shut up and I open the door. I don’t even have time scream before I’m knocked to the ground and the bottle smashes to the floor. My mouth is taped and my hands are bound within seconds. I hear footsteps going down the hall towards my bedroom. I want to warn him they are coming. There is nothing I can do. I sit there on the floor straining to hear something but it is strangely silent. “Goddammit. I shouldve listened to the voices. This time they were  right.”Don’t unlock the goddamn door.” A little wisdom would’ve been useful at that moment as well. Shit, who was I kidding. Common sense would’ve been a fine substitution. I didn’t seem to have any tonight. Not when I decided to invite him home with me either. This is what I get for bringing a stranger home. I get bound and gagged on my livingroom floor wondering how I’m going to die tonight. Another lousy decision……

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One thought on “Straight to my Death

  1. Lyn I am sad and shocked with your last post on here. A nice and pure friendship is a treasure and I don’t want to miss it forever.

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