Having done it all right I couldn’t understand, for a long time, how my life was falling down Around me. And as it fell I stepped in to help it along.  Married at twenty three to the man of my dreams, to the one who touched my soul and also the one who could steal my very breath. Before we were married he was soft and romantic. He was kind and protective and giving. After we were married he lost the softness, the compassion and romance. He became hard and critical and hurtful with his words. I don’t know if marriage had anything to do with it. Maybe he was that way all along and I had missed it. Being a young new wife I wanted more than anything else to make my husband happy. I tried to do so and it cost me. I lost the person I was. The more I tried to be perfect and failed time and again, the more lost I became. Still twenty years later I wonder who I would’ve been and what I would have accomplished if I hadn’t gotten lost. I stayed with this man when I should have left him. Regardless of how many times I carefully tried to explain how hurtful his words and actions were those words and actions never changed. He couldn’t see what he was doing. In fact he believed he wasn’t doing any of the things I said. I was the problem. And so I became just that. The problem. I had injured my neck in the army and was constantly dealing with a horrible amount of pain. I was working fifty hours a week, raising two children and trying to be a wife and a homemaker. With no support from my husband, and no family near enough to help, I was bound to fail. I started taking pain medication for my neck and was pleasantly surprised at how it took away the pain in my life as well. The more I took, the better I felt, and the more I needed them. I began finding doctors to prescribe them and would rotate between them. Eventually insurance caught up to me and the doctors quit prescribing. Now I was in trouble, withdrawal was painful and I was still working. I asked people at work for pain killers and began buying them on the street. I even stole a prescription from a pharmacy and then from my neighbors cabinet. I was desperate. It wasn’t about covering the pain of life anymore. It was about stopping the pain of withdrawal. My job suffered and administration called me in for a meeting. I was offered drug treatment and accepted. That was the first time I went into drug rehab. It wasn’t the last.  Surprisingly my husband stepped up to the plate and offered his support. He was caring and concerned and wanted our life back the way it was. That was the last thing I wanted.

In the darkness
of your shadow,
I slowly fade away,
Tired and unwilling
To face another day.
Inside I hear the screaming
Of A life that wants to live,
A soul is slowly dying
There’s nothing left to give.
I need to feel the sunshine,
And the wind upon my face,
I need to smell the roses
And dress up all in lace.
I need for you to see me,
To hear the words I speak.
I need for you to love me
My heart is growing weak.
And in the depth of darkness,
I feel my spirit rise,
I will kill the shadow
And once again I’ll fly.

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One thought on “This is not the life I planned (cont)

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