I never planned to start a blog. But then I never planned to go to war or become addicted to pain killers or succumb to a depression I tried to overcome with methamphetamine. I didn’t plan for any of that to happen in my life. 

I was 21 when I climbed on board a C-130 and flew to Dharan Saudi Arabia to serve my country.  It was there, halfway across the world that I met the man I would later marry.  He was in my unit but we hadn’t seemed to notice one another until we were so far away from home. After six months of desert heat, foreign customs, and night duty we returned home with stories and souvenirs and memories of things that changed who we are forever.  Two months later I was sweeping those memories into a far back corner of my mind so that I could head to Los Angeles and deal with the fighting on our own soil over Rodney King.  I was afraid in LA.  Far more afraid than I was halfway across the world in a place I knew nothing about. Two weeks was all it took to quiet things down and we returned to our hometown, once again different from when we left. These kind of changes can only truly be understood by someone who has been there, Feeling the same fear, the same anger, the same sadness at the death of a friend.  Perhaps that is why the man I would marry was a perfect match for me. Well at least I thought so at the time. I finished my college education and have a master’s degree in social work. I planned to do well and make it to the top in my field. I planned to be happily married and raise perfect children in the perfect home in the perfect location.  Those are the things I planned for my life. But the life I planned is not the life I lived. I had the perfect wedding, the perfect job, the perfect children. My life was what everyone hoped for and I let it slide through my fingertips.  I’ll explain how another time. Next time. For now I continue to pick up the pieces of a broken person and put her back together again. A stronger more creative version. Full of wisdom and compassion.  I would not be the person I am today if my life had gone along just as I had planned. And I try to remind myself of that every time the pain of what could have been makes its way to the surface.

Today I feel a heartbeat
I stop to wonder whose
And realize that it’s mine
Underneath the blues. A heartbeat sounds so simple
Yet it marks the passing time
The days are getting brighter
There’s a rythym and a rhyme.
A reason to find company,
With the coming of the day,
To watch the rising sun
And wish for it to stay,
Instead of begging for the night
The darkness or the mask
To hide the painful life inside
That was the hardest task.
But wisdom has its way it seems
Of creeping deep inside
And when you think
you can’t go on
It whispers go and try.

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